The scene: Heaven. God is interviewing a new arrival called, in clever theatrical subtext fashion Richard Everyman.
God: So you're a computer game fan?
God (examining a sheet of paper): Well, everything seems to be in order, Richard. You'll be playing this perfect cute platformer for all time.
Everyman: Hurrah. And I thought that insurance fraud would have counted against me.
God: Insurance fraud? (Sharply) You are Richard J Everyman, aren't you?
Everyman: No, my middle name's Quentin.
God: Oh dear.
Everyman: Oh dear?
God (producing an alarmingly thick folder of notes): Richard Q Everyman insurance fraud, armed robbery and first- degree murder. Is this you?
Everyman: It was all a mistake. I explained everything away in court.
God: And perjury.
Everyman: Oh dear.
God: Looks like an eternity playing Doofus for you.
Everyman: Is that bad?
God: Oh yes, it starts off innocently enough. You're this Doofus chap and you've got this dog that follows you a second or two behind. So the idea is to get through the level without either you or the dog getting killed. But after that it goes rapidly downhill. Do you want to hear about the broad, sweeping problems or the individual faults? It doesn't matter, I'll tell you everything anyway. We've got plenty of time.
God: Broad, sweeping problems first I think. There's no gameplay in this game. You're meant to be shooting the killer creatures in order to earn enough money to afford various power-ups, like orbiting bullets or a floating bubble of invincibility, but the whole thing is so preposterously easy there's no point.
The creatures on each level are exactly the same as those on the previous ones - some fly, some bounce and the others walk back and forth, and only the graphics are different. There are only two kinds of platform blocks which you can stand on and blocks which kill you - and they aren't used in an ingenious or testing manner at all.
In fact, since the scrolling only goes right-to-left, the one challenge in the design comes from guessing which of the two heights of platform will prove the marginally less ludicrously simplistic path.
Everyman: Mercy, mercy.
God: You wait, I'm just warming up. Because of the unidirectional scrolling, the dog idea is utterly wasted - since nothing can attack you from behind, the only possible way the mutt can get killed is for you to fire at a creature coming straight at you and miss, in which case it would get your character first anyway.
No, hang on, there are two things that can't be shot - a bobbing spider and a barrel - but if you don't feel up to simply jumping over them, you can always conjure the invincibility bubble and float past them.
Everyman: I don't understand what you're talking about.
God: Shut up, I'm God. Right, now for the individual faults. The collision detection - it's useless. The many and varied icons lying around that you can collect - they're useless, except for one which reverses your controls, oh what a jape. The graphics - they're useless. Uniformly garish so you have one hell of a time picking out the sprites from the background.
The font - that's useless. So chunky half the letters look the same, which is ever so much fun when you're trying to note down the passwords. It's all useless. Except the music, that's merely unpleasant. Here's your copy, I hope you'll be very unhappy together.
Everyman: If only I'd tried harder to be good, eh readers?