REMEMBER the days when you read that there'd be a new smash game out from your favourite author, saved enough for it and then rushed down the shops on the release date?
Remember reading all the inlay cards and instructions on the train home, then the impatient wait while the cassette loaded? Remember the homework lying forgotten while you lived this new creation? Wasn't it fun?

Well, DNA Warrior exactly recaptures those old time spirits. Sorry, did I say exactly recaptures those old time spirits? Um. What I really meant to say was exactly does not recapture those old time spirits.
What it recaptures is that other great home computer moment of truth, the realisation that you have a duff game.

All the stages in this scenario are the same but for the last one, where now the feeling is: "Surely there must be more to this turkey?"
Yes indeed, dear readers, DNA Warrior is not all there.
Some scientist, Szymanski by name, has discovered how to increase intelligence almost infinitely. Clearly this dude needs a bit of a hoik IQ-wise because he does the critical experiment on himself. Dumb, or what? Golden rule of brain surgery No 1: Do it to someone else first.

Fairly typically, something goes wrong. The learned Prof falls into a coma and it is miniature submarine time. The Prof, being old and generally past it, has all manner of bizarre prosthetic implants to keep him alive - your little submariner has a difficult task to contend with.

All the immune systems are not keen on you, so your task of replacing all the recalcitrant bits of DNA becomes a remarkably poor rip-off of Zynaps. If you shoot a wave of nasties, they drop a useful little credit thing which can be saved up for handy large weapons.

Entry to other levels is via junctions in the tube walls. Sometimes these have to be opened by collecting a key somewhere else in the Prof's anatomy. Sometimes the level decides to end and you are left hanging about. The only cure for this is either killing yourself or waiting until the Annoying Interlude starts.

This piece of loathesomeness occurs randomly - the scrolling reverses and rocks get chucked at you until you get bored and leave via an exit. If you can bear it, the aim is to collect eight bits of DNA and kill off the malignant part of the brain.

Everything in DNA Warrior works. The scrolling works, the sound works, the tune grates and the gameplay annoys. Every noise has been carefully engineered to be tiresome.

There are two very useful keys in DNA Warrior - M switches the tune off, Off switches the game off. Urgh.