I DON'T wear these sunglasses just to look cool, ya' know. I don't war them just to make me look like Tom Cruz - no way man. Although I have to admit there is a likeness. Especially when I have my crash helmet on and no one can see my face. I mean, if I was a bit shorter and a bit more handsome and spoke with an American accent no one could tell us apart. If I had my sunglasses on and my helmet.
Anyway, the real reason I war my glasses is to protect my eyes, man. You gotta be careful these days, ever since the Distaster. The Nuclear Disaster that is. The Big One. The Numero Uno. Le Grand Fromage. The El Supremo Disaster. The Disaster which made all the other disasters begin with small letters. Man, it was wicked.
But, hey, life goes on, doesn't it? OK, so thing are a bit harder these days. Back before it happened, you could sprint round a track with nothing but the occasional oilslick to worry about. Pick up a few spanners and you were away: Turbo boosters, extra-
Man, that was history. These days no one goes nowhere without a full set of armour plating. You better believe it - just watching a race is now an official health hazard. Each set of wheels comes with a machine gun as standard, 'cos if someone is in your way you don't spend time thinking about tactics. You just convert his car into a Nigel Mansell special. Scrub it out.
Course, you still got all those Turbos and whatnots, but this time you also got rockets to buy. No one argues with those babies Hamma! And it's out with the replacement car. Now that's my idea of overtaking.
The circuits have changed too so don't expect no more pansy custom built race tracks. We race in the real world. Knackered cities, scrap yards, chemical factories, interactive car parks - in other words the worst man, the worst.
What makes it better is that you can also blow these dumps away. Sure, take a dislike to a certain chemical storage drum and Kerstlunch! It's gone. Oops, did I leave a huge acidic slick for you buddy? That's too bad. Hur, hur.
And when you raced all eight, you just turn around and race 'em again. Freaky stuff man, re-negotiating all them corners. That is, if there are any corners left. Sometimes the ground get's a bit weak, ya know? Tends to fall away in places, isn't the state of the roads shocking?
Yep, things have changed around here. Now you got yourself a real race. No more mister nice guy, if you had yourself a fine time with the old-