Football is not a funny old game - in fact there's nothing funny about it at all, although it has to be said it's far more humorous on a computer than in real life.
All soccer die-hards will be looking at the page now with their faces a mixture of outrage and amazement. So, to validate such an outlandish statement, I'll have to justify it.
How many of you out there in the real world have in your dim and distant, or indeed current life, been involved in what is termed as amateur football?
Sunday League, as it's better known, is where most of us finally realise we're not going to make the England squad and resign ourselves to the fact that we don't possess a Maradona-like touch.
Subsequently we lapse into some poor footballing habits and start working out in a different way. Training starts at 7pm sharp in the Stud and Whistle where you meet up with Gazza, Bazza, Sniffa, Frogga, Psycho, Big Dave and the rest of the squad.
The team's sex symbol Big Dave has tried his had at every female in the pub and despite a miserable response from the fairer sex, will not desist with his winning technique - the old head up dress approach.
At 9:45pm, Spud O' Reilly, manager of the team, stumbles into the bar. Eleven pints of Guinness have not stood him in good stead and within five minutes he has caused a brawl by vomiting at the Salvation Army's Warcry representative.
As the dust settles the last of the squad are ejected and lie prostrate on the pavement. However, being the keen hardened pros they are, the lads vow to train on and the Dog and Lamp Post is only around the corner.
As closing time looms the team push themselves to the limit with a range of interesting exercises. These range from Last One to the Bar is a Girle Puff, through Fizz-Buzz and Two Fingers.
Finally, it's time to reward themselves with a pre-match meal: A table for 15 at the Ganges is soon organised.
Fifteen vindaloos, 30 poppadoms and 90 pints of lager later, the team's lust for training is satiated. The only thing that remains to be done is a little weight training. This comprises of each member of the team trotting off to the gents in an attempt to rip the cistern from its mount.
After this watery affair the lads end the night with some morale-
Next morning at ten, Spud stands in the cold morning air waiting for his team of primed super-
As it starts to rain the first of the squad rolls up, footy boots in hand. As Spud exchanges greetings with star centre forward Sniffa, he wretches and splatters concentrated hydrochloric vindaloo all over Spud's shell suit.
Time marches rapidly towards kick-off, the opposition have arrived, changed complained to the ref and still half the squad are AWOL.
Two minutes before kick-off Bozza screeches into the car park in his sporty XR3 clone. Out climb the missing players all looking the worse for fear from a night on the wrong side of a police cell.
There follows a frenetic exchange of apologies, kit and bowels as panic sets in to beat the referee's fine for late kick-off. On the stroke of eleven, The Butcher's Offal 1st XI stride forth into sheets of rain and the smell of Ralgex and curry.
There then follow 90 minutes of bone-
The first thing to say about Euro Champs is that although it's basically a football title to play against your Amiga or a few mates, there's more to it than that.
For one, EC gives you the opportunity to make tactical decisions about your players before the match. Employing a very simple system, you can decide how your players will move on such things as corners and goal kicks.
You can implement a heavily defensive system (a la Villa) or thrill the crowd with wing play and overlapping full-backs (like the Man City always do).
Within the main mouse-
You can alter the pitch, introduce wind, give the ref a tolerance for showing funny coloured cardboard, play in league or cup, and that's just the beginning.
Once you've selected another screen you can alter your players, attributes, opt for equal skill within your squad or set individual levels of skill for each player. This is very handy for the custom team options, so you can put yourself up front and can give yourself loads of skill. After you have pondered over the plethora of choices on offer you might actually get to the touchline. The play itself is very reminiscent of Emlyn Hughes International Soccer - this is because it too was programmed by Audiogenic.
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European Champions differs from rivals like Goal and Sensible Soccer in its graphics and presentation. For one, in EC the sprites of the characters are larger and detailed than those in either of its rivals.
The characters being larger means that unlike Sensi you only get a portion of the pitch on your screen at one particular time. However, a radar gives you an overview of the positions of the players and the player in possession. This is the kind of tool I could done with on a cold Sunday morning when a 17-stone abattoir worker is bearing down on me.
The other thing to mention is that to all intents and purposes EC is two games, because you can view play from an overhead view or the contemporary horizontal left-right view.
The play itself takes a little coming to terms with. Euro Champ uses a slightly different system to other footy titles you might have come into contact with previously.
For one it contains an automatic corner, throw-in and shoot system, which takes you a little by surprise at first. This may sound a little odd, especially shooting, but it does produce some spectacular finishing. It's also worth pointing out that auto-shoot can be overridden.
With an auto-throw and corner system it also means that while a computer player is taking the throw, you can control a player the throw will be directed at.
Passing also has some rather fresh approaches to it. For example, 'ping-passing' enables you to pick out a player, on or off screen, for a precision pass. When you do finally manage to convert the ball into the back of the net, you also have a full video replay at your disposal to view your triumphs and analyse your mistakes on.
Once you've mastered the control system, which at first renders the play a little alien and gives a slight feeling of being out of your control, EC is really very playable.
The graphics are smart and when you're accustomed to the control system European Champions is a really enjoyable joystick jape against mates on the computer.
It's always going to be tough to compare EC with such legends as Sensible Soccer and maestros like Goal, but it has to be said that while Euro Champ has only just turned pro, it's straight in the first team and quite capable of holdings its place.
With the variety of options and different competitions available at your fingertips, European Champions will keep you on the attack well into injury time.
